vrijdag 12 december 2014

merry christmas

one of the most interesting things about a dog is
that it reflects the behaviour of its owner
so however your dog is behaving, it is because you are, too!
for example, ronja got very insecure, because i am.
i called in the help of a lady, like 'the dog whisperer'?
i dont know what it's called in english hahah.
anyway, you get the gesture.
it's been very helpfull, and we are improving (:

oh the december month is a very busy one
normally i just get sick, but the injections i have been taking to improve my immune system
are really doing their job, now i'm just sniffly!
for this new year's eve we (rein, ruud, kelsey and me) have planned a onsie-party!
what is better than spending your new year's eve with friends,
in a pyama, drinking wine and watching fireworks?
i think we will end up either with the four of us, or with a lot of people,
i'm looking forward to it!

then this, because i want to share it so badly.
i might have told you sometime before already that my dad is a story-teller?
it's one of my favourite things about him, 
even though i can't always tell wether it's a made up story or not ahhah.
but from this thing i am sure it is a true story;
while we were in the car 
(which is where i actually 'met' my father, but that is a story for some other time)
he played this song for me;
click it, then read on while listening to it.
"she was a jew, living in paris
and so a target for the nazi's in the second world war.
after the war, she traveled to a place in Germany,
the land she only had bad associations with, Göttingen.
and being there she came to love these people
she wrote this song, against the war, the scars it had left between countries"

hah, maybe you are thinking;
"what a silly girl, and what a silly talk"
but this is something that touches me, inspires me.
it makes me wonder and happy.
so i cant resist also posting the translation of the lyrics;

Of course, it's not la Seine
It's not Vincennes' wood,
But it is pretty anyway
In Göttingen, in Göttingen.
No quays, and no old tunes
moaning and dragging on
But love still blossoms here
In Göttingen, in Göttingen.
They know better that us, I think,
The history of the kings of France
Herman, Peter, Helga and Hans,
In Göttingen.
Don't get offended,
But the tales of our childhood,
"Once upon a time" start
In Göttingen.
Of course, we have la Seine
And our Vincennes' wood,
But God, the roses are beautiful
In Göttingen, in Göttingen.
We have our pale mornings,
The grey soul of Verlaine,
Them, they are melancholy itself
In Göttingen, in Göttingen.
When they don't have anything to say,
They stay here and smile to us
But we understand them anyway
The blond children of Göttingen.
Too bad for those who are stunned
May the others forgive me,
But children are the same,
In Paris or in Göttingen.
May never come back
The time of blood and hatred
Because there are people I love
In Göttingen, in Göttingen.
When would ring the alarm
If we had to take up arms again
My heart would shed a tear
For Göttingen, for Göttingen.
But still, it is pretty
In Göttingen, in Göttingen

and merry christmas(:

woensdag 19 november 2014

we'll get through the day, this way

so this is what i do when i'm ill.
and honestly, what could be better than cuddles?

zaterdag 15 november 2014

autumn morning light

Photo's by Niek Doup

coat - stolen from a friend
scarf - gift from my mama
dress - choies
shoes - asianicandy
bag - my granny

you might have seen this one on lookbook already
but here you have some more photo's!
all taken on a beautiful autumn morning,
 by the talented young photographer Niek Doup that i've met here.

lately i finished my shots of medicine
and ever since i've been feeling so terrible
i can hardly do anything and have mainly been sleeping.
on the other- positive- hand, i did start reading books again (:
'Haar naam was Sarah' (i think translated that would be 'Her name was Sarah')
a very sad story about a journalist in france who is writing about the terrible things
that happened during the second world war, tracking one particular girl.
it's really worth reading

when we were young, my dad took us to a place in france
that had been touched by war, and held these memories
i remember reading 'scars begin to disappear, memories remain'
it made a huge impression on me.
but i didn't understand a thing about what had really happened there
the thousands of white crosses, marking the nameless graves of the jews
just looked like an impressive artwork to me.
i remember not understanding why my dad was so touched by this
and i hope that someday i will go there again with him
so we can share the moment, now that i am starting to understand.

zaterdag 8 november 2014

autumn walks

it might be getting colder
it might get foggy and rainy
the gray skies might make you sad
and want to stay in bed all day
but that's when you're not in the nature.
autumn, thank you for being this beautiful.

it's easy to forget about nature when you're living in a city
and it's easy to forget to appreciate nature, when you're living close to it
so hopefully these pictures make you yearn for a long autumn walk
and walk it.

donderdag 6 november 2014

als een baksteen aan mijn been

photo's taken by Niek Doup 

coat - romwe
dress - romwe
shoes - sheinside

as promised! a new look!
wow has that been a long time
but i am getting the hang of it again
especially because now i have the help of a real good photographer
who just takes such good pictures (:

we went for a stroll through the old streets of Deventer
they sometimes remind me of France
the bricks, colours, old houses and tiiiny streets.
i've never felt at home in the city i grew up in
but deventer is something different. 
i love it.

zondag 12 oktober 2014

morning fog

tomorrow i am going to start shooting looks again
a very talented guy i met here will take them for me
im always nervous when somebody else takes my picture
but i am also excited!
it's really started to look like fall around here
it's raining a lot, and every morning there's morning fog
today ruud, kelsey and i had a sunday-morning breakfast
after that we took a long walk at the Ijssel
i don't know, it might be kinda silly
but these kind of things are what make me happy the most.
i've been thriftshopping a lot too
and i think you might really like my coming looks(:
untill then, sleep tight
and dont let the bedbugs bite

zaterdag 27 september 2014

chasing chestnuts

recently i have been staying more frequently at my parents home
i'm very busy searching for pain management treatment
and last week, after six months of waiting, i finally had my intake.
i also started new medications where i have to inject myself (!!)
i felt pretty badass afterwards to be honest hahah
i think i find it hard to look at the future again. 
but i have lived day by day long enough.
" winter's coming" !
and i want to be prepared.

the first leaves are starting to fall, and ronja has fun chasing chestnuts
fall always gets me so nostalgic
have you ever walked a road you used to walk when you were young
and suddenly have a flashback of how it used to look?
i still find myself tiptoeing to peek over bushes
 that i have outgrown a long time ago

donderdag 28 augustus 2014

with my own two hands

i think i have not been listening to any new music for years
i always get stuck in one song, like i get stuck in ine thought
but since a few months i have been listening again
and gosh, what i hear is so beautiful
i have missed it, and had not realised i did.
and now i want to share with you, the beautiful musuc that has brought my heart and mind together tonight.
you might find them sad or even depressing
but that is my comfort zone.

billie holiday - ill be seeing you
paul Mccartney - jenny wren
fiona apple - why try to change me now
johnny cash - im so lonesome i could cry
micah p hinson - cant help falling in love with you

maandag 18 augustus 2014

and suddenly summer's over.

my blog has bled out a bit
i have enjoyed blogging for most of the time, and i have been blogging years now
but ever since cees and i broke up, i haven't felt like it any longer
i got sick of taking pictures of my own face over and over again
i got sick of myself, and sharing things about myself
and i needed to focus on different things in life
besides breaking up my relation, i had to break down my plans for the future as well
the future i had thought would be ours, i now had to face alone again
and being alone scared me terribly,
 the feeling of not belonging anywhere scared me even more
"who am i without someone loving me like that" i've asked myself for quite some time
but this summer i have found a different side of life
i have met so many new, loving, special and caring people
they all took me in so easily, and for the first time in my life i actually have a social life.
i'm having a taste of how my puberty could have been; going to parties and dancing at night
having drinks, meeting people and trying out life in any possible way
being unable to lead the 'normal' life has defined me for so long
i have felt worthless, lonely, guilty and ashamed for not being able 
to function the way i am 'supposed to' in this society
we are supposed to be successful, beautiful, functional
we are supposed to have a lot of friends, and party every weekend
we are supposed to choose our carreer at the age of fourteen
to study so we'll get a good job that will secure our future.
and i am none of these things.
i believe a lot of people from my generation have suffered the pressure of society
or maybe not really the pressure, i think it is mostly because the world is changing so rapidly fast
depression, anxiety issues and other mental issues are so common these days
and personally i believe this is one of the reasons.
 at least it is for me.
what a terrible question i think it is when someone asks me 'what i do'
because i have to admit to them, and myself, that i dont 'do' something
because with asking 'what i do' they're asking me whether i study or work
and i don't. and i used to be ashamed of that, and still am sometimes
these days i don't lie about that any longer and tell those who ask straightforward
and i will tell you, my dear readers and writers, straightforward 
because i don't think it's good to pretend to be more than i am
i haven't been able to do school, and have been sick and in and out of hospitals and clinics
for the past eight years. 
my life has been lived for me for years
i haven't developed myself the way i should, or more importantly, not the way i wanted
when i finally got out of the sick world i lived in
i thought moving out and living together with cees would be the start of my life
but it turned out to be the end of our relationship
and i had to move again and start over again, as i have done so many times before
and now i finally feel like i am settling down
i am starting to accept that i am not going to be the regular girl, with the regular life
i am starting to accept that my body works like an old ladies body
within time, i'll try building up my life again
but for now i am trying to make my life meaningful in my own way
by taking care of people around me, by taking them as they are and loving them
by noticing the invisible and by learning about myself through talking to strangers
if there is one thing i have learned these past years
is that everybody has their own flaws and struggles, their own battles to fight
and that none of these things should be compared.

maandag 14 juli 2014

booh-ya (or something)

just hanging out with my fluffy family
having no life and taking pictures of myself
hah i'm just letting you know i'm still alive
although i ááálmost was buried beneath all the lovely comments
hope you're having a lovely week
< 3

donderdag 26 juni 2014


it sure is a strange place to live in, this boy's home
especially because i spend the first few months on the couch haha
(ah i am still so glad i have my own space here now)
for example, waking up here it is always a suprise how many people will be downstairs
often i walk downstairs, finding a sleeping stranger on the couch
i can always demand a hug somewhere from someone
and at night there's often people gaming downstairs
so when i'm unable to sleep, i can still listen to their ''conversations'' 
''coversations'', because they get quite excited when gaming, and it's more like shouting hahah
it's also quite exhausting sometimes
but i think that's normal, when you've got roommates right?
i'm just glad i'm not living alone right now (:

woensdag 18 juni 2014

the light hits

me and my infected eye had the oppertunity
 to make pictures at my old room again
the light there is just.. ah. i miss it.
i don't have much to tell, except that my body
is infecting everywhere, and my energy hasn't been this low in ages
i am a little worried so i'm seeing docters again
further i just try to take care of ronja and melle the best i can
and that's enough at the moment.
right now i have ronja at my right, and melle at my left
and we're watching some old episodes from new girl

sleep tight
don't let the bedbugs bite

maandag 16 juni 2014

because lately it's been only

oh come on legs
let us walk together 
to the end of this road
take me there where the others go
don't stop walking
don't tell me what i don't want to know